One
habit or shift in approach that can build trust over time is the practice of
empathy.

What
is Empathy?

A
helpful way to understand the kind of empathy we’re talking about here is to
set it against some unhealthy forms of interaction and compare.

Empathy
vs. Enmeshment

Enmeshment:
Your problem is my problem. I need you to be ok before I can be ok.

Tom
walks down the street and hears a cry for help. He turns and there’s his
co-worker, Steve. Driven by a real sense of friendship and concern, Tom goes to
Steve.

“What’s
wrong?”

“Hey
Tom, I stepped onto this storm drain and now my heel is stuck. I can’t get my
foot out. I’m trapped.”

“That’s
terrible! How long have you been like this?”

Steve
glances at this wrist. “About 15 minutes I guess. If I can’t get free soon,
I’ll be late to work.”

“I
can’t imagine how you must feel. Let me get in there with you so I can truly
understand your frustration.”

Tom
proceeds to jam his heel into the same storm drain, effectively trapping his
own foot.

“Steve,
I can see what you mean. This is awful. I know exactly how you feel.

Many
believe empathy is achieved when you can say, “I know how you feel”.

However,
the dilemma in the scenario of Tom and Steve is plain. Tom has not helped Steve
by experiencing the same situation. He’s actually worsened their plight,
because now they’re both stuck, and will both be late to work.

Hyper-criticism
is another form of enmeshment. ”If I tether my success to your success,
I’m likely to second guess every decision you make and examine all your actions
through a microscope with no tolerance for mistakes, false-starts, or human
error.” This level of scrutiny creates fear, and fear leaves no room
for trust.

Empathy
vs. Detachment

“Your
problem is not my problem. I don’t care if you’re ok as long as your issues
don’t negatively impact me.”

Tactics:
avoid, deflect, ignore, or slap on a quick-fix effort.

The
goal: ”I don’t want to be responsible for you, especially if you have a
problem. How can I deal with you without getting too close, without allowing
your problem to become my problem.”

Detachment
”allows me to disassociate myself from you, from the consequences of
your decisions, and from your personal and professional success.” The
detached leader keeps the office door closed. In meetings, they’ll speak often
and listen little. They’ll avoid small talk, or sharing personal stories. All
business, the detached leader leaves others feeling like interchangeable cogs
in a machine rather than valued members of a team.

Team
members may believe this type of leader will do what’s best for the bottom
line, but not necessarily what benefits the individual or team.